Yusanng's story

Quote

2009-02-03T23:13:00.002+08:00

Around here, however, we don’t look backwards for very long.

We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and trying new things…

and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths

- Waltz Disney

**WE KEEP MOVING FORWARD**..

1st February 2009

2009-02-02T02:19:00.003+08:00

For everything that happened, I am still here, standing, alive but hurting in agony.

1st February 2009, I renounced all ties to my past.

~~~

Today I went to visit my father at the seaside. Today I saw a new side to my mother - who loved me beyond anything in this world. Today I laughed with my sister, like I had when I was only a boy. I am loved in this world. By the three most important persons in my life... yet I became blinded to them, until today.

Today I sat at the place I grew up in - a kindergarten school my mother set up because of me. My eyes filled with tears as I reminiscence my past. Today I made a determination with God and myself to move on. I read and re-read all my smses from the girl I loved the most. With my greatest determination, I erased my phone. Allowing God to renew me. Walking to a location facing the heavens, surrounded by the beauty of nature, I stood there, allowing the cool evening breeze to blow my old self away.

As I saw my old body hurtling through the air into the heavens, I looked at myself... a new and totally unfamiliar me. I have died. And in my place, a stranger unknown to this world.

I am reborned to continue with my destined mission. One which I will succeed. I will become more like God, developing the fruits of the his spirit, reacting to EVERY adverse with love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, faithfullness, gentleness and self-control.

~~~

[My mother gave me this to save me, a story from God. Courtesy of "theinterviewwithgod.com"]

The Interview with God

I dreamed I had an Interview with God

"So you would like to interview me?" God asked.

"If you have the time," I said

GOD smiled.

"My time is eternity... what questions do you have in mind for me?"

"What surprises you most about humankind?"

GOD answered...

"That they get bored with childhood, they rush to grow up, and then long to be children again."

"That they lose their health to make money... and then lose their money to restore their health."

"That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present, such that they live in neither the present nor the future."

"That they live as if they will never die, and die as though they had never lived."

GOD's hand took mine and we were silent for awhile.

And then I asked, "As a parent, what are some of life's lessons you want your children to learn?"

"To learn they cannot make anyone love them. All they can do is let themselves be loved."

"To learn that is it not good to compare themselves to others."

"To learn to forgive by practicing forgiveness."

"To learn that it only takes a few seconds to open profound wounds in those they love, and it can take many years to heal them."

"To learn that a rich person is not one who has the most, but is one who needs the least."

"To learn that there are people who love them dearly, but simply do not yet know how to express or show their feelings."

"To learn that two people can look at the same thing and see it differently."

"To learn that it is not enough that they forgive one another, but they must also forgive themselves."

"Thank you for your time," I said humbly.

"Is there anything else you'd like your children to know?"

GOD smiled and said...

"Just know that I am here."

"Always."

~~~

I cried

~~~

Dear, I have failed you. I know I have not been the best to you. I have so much to learn. I am humbled and defeated. But I had and will always love you as God loves his children. I will rise up and live for you and everyone in my life. I will learn...

to live again

終わりました

2009-01-25T00:50:00.004+08:00

Im waiting in vain,

for nothing.

To see the world with open eyes, to touch God with outreached hands, Im starting to understand.

I know what I should do now.

Me

2009-01-21T22:18:00.004+08:00

There is no such thing as loyalty

There is no such thing as true love

There is no such thing as promises

There is no such thing as soulmates

~~~

There is only an illusion.

There is only loss

There is only the hurtful truth

There is only me, alone

dreaming.

~~~

Dreaming of loyalty

Dreaming of true love

Dreaming of promises

Dreaming of my soulmate

~~~

Once the dream is woken from

I become angry to find that I am only living a dream.

My anger made you leave me

My Fault

2009-01-21T22:12:00.002+08:00

I am always wrong. Always too much.

All I can say is that I'm sorry - though it is I who is hurt the most.

I don't want to share you. Even if I must.

Why can't we ever share the same dream or the same expectations? Why is everything so hard?

Is a happy ending never possible?

Then again, what else can I say..

for the title above says it all.

I'm sorry. I really am.

everything is over...

for me

A long time

2008-12-15T03:49:00.002+08:00

It has been months since my last post. Much has happened up till now...

So many things I want to say... but so little words to visualize the situations...

I do not know whether I should be happy or upset. For these two are seperated only by a fine line for me...

The love of my life returned to my side, and I am elated for that fact. But still, trouble simmers in our relationship - the parents and the friends. What should I do to make my sweetheart feel worth it? I feel inadequate for her.

Right now, I am really so tired of everything. I want everything to stop (not my friends and lover of course)... like what my best pal Ahmad says, working has taken away my life. And I totally agree... my job's really making me lose time for myself.

Hm... What should I do? What do I want?

to everyone in my life, my lover, my family, my friends here and afar... I miss you!

God bless all of you!

For one, I am glad this year is coming to a close. It was a hellish year for me.

Year 2008, F*** you.

=)

Taking flight

2008-10-28T04:49:00.004+08:00

18 days since I last posted. Now thats a really long time. For me its really incredible. Because in this 18 days, a lot has happened in my life. A new window was opened. A new light shone. A new path paved for me by God.

I attended a 5 day course. Its called the Basic Training - organized by Asiaworks. Sounded stupid... I hated it. It caused me my sleep. I thought I didn't need it. Thought only losers needed it. As mentioned in my previous post, the "night classes" refered to this basic course. Turns out, the course was life changing. It opened my eyes to new possibilities. It opened myself to me... the Ee Sheng that was always there, residing in the shell I deemed empty but is in fact, still filled with love, joy, and laughter.

The course is basically one that helps a person to be more aware and to be open. Its not like I never had been aware nor open before. The thing is, I always was. But I chose to forget it. This course really allowed me to talked about it; to make me realise. It simply reminded me of who I used to be, the one that wanted to *live*... not simply to survive. I want to live for my family. For my friends. For my god. For my lover. For myself.

There are five things from this course which I learnt, that really impacted me:

1) Stop waiting

1...2...3...4... somewhere in the world a person dies

1...2...3...4... somewhere in the world a person dies

1...2...3...4... somewhere in the world a person dies

Do you still want to wait? Life is precious. I don't even know if I will last the next second.

I know I don't want to wait. I don't ever want to wait anymore.

I want to use all the time that I have. To help others... to make a person's life the best that it could be in any given time. This includes those I want to help, as well as my family and friends.

2) Be honest

If I lie, who am I really lying to?

Myself.

If I keep things from others who am I really keeping things from?

Myself.

Who benefits? No one.

3) Beliefs are not Facts

Am I powerful enough to cause someone to feel a certain emotion? If I scold someone, is it definitive that the person would be hurt? Or would there be a possibility that he/she may take it in their stride and not feel a single emotion?

What is a fact? A fact means a universal truth. Unchangable, definite, and proven to be true for whichever situations.

I am surely not powerful at all to control a person's emotions. And yes, there *is* a possibility of any outcome. There is no DEFINITE emotion a person may feel no matter what I do.

Therefore if I choose to lie to a person because I think that if he/she is told the truth, he/she may be hurt by what I said. But then again, it is not a fact. It is a belief. So should I just be honest? Yes!

Honesty benefits us all. It provides for feedback that is useful.

Lies, bring us nowhere.

4) to Listen

I noticed that I never really listened. I do alot of selective listening. Things that I want to hear - not what the person is really telling me.

-Ever since I lost my father. I shut down. My ears were for nuts.-

I need to listen again. To drop my image, my defenses, and my self-interest thoughts. Just listen.

5) to Acknowledge

I rediscovered once again that in life, there is no need for me to agree or disagree on *ANYTHING*.

I do not need to agree or disagree. I do not need to judge. I do not need to accept. I do not need to think. I do not need to visualize. I do not have to weight.

I only need to acknowledge.

Its just like a chair. I see that I'm sitting on a chair and a chair exists beneath my bottom. I do not need to agree with the chair. I do not need to accept it. I just need to acknowledge that there is a chair.

~~~

Did my life change? Sure it has.

Ee Sheng, stop waiting. Opportunites are flying by. Grab them. Stop procrastinating. Hey Ee Sheng, be honest. Be aware of beliefs. Don't take them as facts! And start listening! Don't choose not to listen just because its not what you want to hear. But listen to it all. And acknowledge that someone once gave you an opinion. It may not be useful to you, but hey, who knows. Knowing more is better than knowing less or staying ignorant. Right? Yeah duh!

HaHAHahahahaHAHa

~~~

Within the days that snuggled itself comfortably between my last post and this post, I had volunteered for a couple of events that really brought light in my purpose for the world - for God.

I was a volunteer for an event held at the Singapore Flyer to raise funds for "Make-a-Wish" foundation. It was really cool being able to be around those children that just want to know more friends.

I helped dorcas's church with a fundraising event.

I helped my company with an event to help raise funds for I-dunno-what foundation... haha..

These brought many smiles to my unhappy life.

~~~

Surprisingly, but not entirely shocking... Alison called me... and I now have a whole new snowball thundering down the slope called my life. Getting bigger and bigger as it roll.

~~~

Life... a wonderful gift from God.

Does God want me to waste it? No. He wants me to live it. And I know I will.

Every second that ticks me by.

A busy week

2008-10-10T02:21:00.005+08:00

Yes well, the title says it all. Many things happened during the span of just this week. with me working more than 12 hours at my company daily, plus having additional night classes, my sleeping time is reduced to 3 hours or more specifically, none. Plus having to do arduous tasks at work. Im throughly fatigued.

There are various issues I'd like to post about. This is because many things have happened merely in the short time span of this week. And I am specifically certain that the things that have happened will change the rest of my life forever. For those curious, all will be posted in the coming week. For now, I need rest.

~~~

Also, for all who visit this blog of mine, I'd like to introduce you to my music player which will consist of a playlist, or selections of my favourite songs. Feel free to browse to the song you want to hear according to the text list I prepared, or simply sit back and allow all the songs to play.

I'd like to specifically introduce you to the song "Amazing grace". This is a song that has impacted my life in more ways than possible. I love this song not only because it is an award-winning and well-known song throughout the world, but rather because it has became a symbol to me. A sincere symbol that relates to my life and everything revolving around it. (This was the song that came upon me when I fell in love. This was the song that accompanied me while I was walking with my dad to the entrance of the stairs to Heaven)

This song, besides "Only Hope", are the only two songs that will ignite my deepest feelings and memories. They make me remember. They save me.

A promise forged in the flame from the heavens

2008-10-05T02:35:00.006+08:00

To say that many years ago, 3 years to be specific, I made a promise to someone whom would, and still is, someone very very special to me.

I promised to be with her. Forever and ever.

I promised to love her. Everyday and twice on sundays.

I promised to take care of her. Eternally and beyond

I promised to bring her nothing but happiness and smiles. Perpetually everlasting

I promised to keep her from all hurt and harm. Unendingly forever.

~~~

I am a person that values words. Though I may have many shortcomings. And my actions may falter my promises, but I am always true. True to the promises, and to her.

I have failed her. But I will never fail my promises to her.

She is the only one who has kept me going thus far. And I shall always be with her in my mind, heart and soul, even if I had to be formless to do so.

Because somebody wants you, somebody needs you. Somebody dreams about you every single night. Somebody can't breathe, without you its lonely, somebody hopes that one day you will see. Somebody's me. (Adapted from the song "Somebody's Me")

And I'm going back to the corner, where I first saw you, gonna camp in my sleeping bag, Im not gonna move. Got some words on cardboard, got your picture in my hand saying, "if you see this girl can you tell her where I am". I know it makes no sense, but what else can I do? How can I move on, when I am still in love with you. Cause if you day you wake up and find that you're missing me, and you're heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be, thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet, and you'll see me waiting for you on the corner of the street... so I'm not moving. (Adapted from the song "The Man Who Can't Be Moved)

And so I lay my head back down, and I lift my hands and pray, to be only yours I pray, to be only yours. I know now you're my only hope. (Adapted from the song "Only Hope")

~~~

I know I should move on. But then again, "how can I move on when I'm still *always* in love with you"?

My destiny from God entwines both the mission he gave me, and to love you.

And Love you I will. Even if I can only love you from afar. Forever and ever. Everyday and twice on Sundays.

In hindsight

2008-10-04T21:23:00.004+08:00

It just occured to me not long ago that I am not as strong as I thought I was. More specifically, lets talk about what happened on the previous Thursday, the 2nd of October.

On that day, I met with an insurance agent after she continually persisted for me to have a meeting with her so that she can "share" what her company can provide for me. Of course, for all of you that really know me, I would NEVER meet up with an insurance agent if I can help it. It was purely out of courtesy.

So there I was, late for the appointment as I just finished work. I was exhausted. I didn't want to talk, much less think. All I wanted to was to go home. I sat down at last at the pre-arranged location, in front of the agent, who started her selling presentation.

How I felt throughout the appointment was totally out of my expectations.

~

She talked about the importance of saving. How saving $2 to $3 a day can accumulate to wealth of $100,000 by the time you're 30 years of age. The objective? Start saving your money "with" their company. Which would guarantee a 200% return if the company were to go into a "crisis" such as the lehman bankurptcy. Of course, the return of investment is high, and you can't withdraw your money till you're freakin old - or in better terms, "of age".

The agent was illustrative, using the balancesheet closing style, drawing graphs, weighting importance on wealth accumulation and how easy it is if we start saving now. Of course, everything she said was right. Except the most important parts.

First of all, being a business student, Im more than capable of understanding even the most complex jargon used by insurers. Being explained to like a 8 year old child was not amusing. It wore me out. Making my tired-ness deathly. Furthermore, I understand the importance of saving. But to put my money with *a company*? And comeon. If you're bankrupt, can you assure a 200% return? based on what? hellnotes? And its amazing that the agent explains that "the lehman incident" would not affect her representing company. Yeah im sure. But if her bosses were as dumb as the Lehman Bros, anything is possible. Signing an application with her would be to put do an investment. And honestly, I do not know much about investments to push forward with it. I understand its good to start young. But I also understand that the insurance company, by targeting ignorant youngsters as "target customers", they tend to gain from their ignorance. Only to tell them years later when they are "of age" that "no such promise was made". And what did you do? pass them $2 to $3 EVERYDAY.

This however, was not the thing that upset me.

What upset me was that when she was explaining insurance to me, she used analogies like *my parents - father in general*. She said, "think about it. I would think that your father, for 19 years of your life, taken care of your expenses, and cared for you till now. Don't you think you would regret if you were never able to 'pay him back'"?

She drew the words "death/disability" on the paper.

"What if one of the two happen to you? It could happen in 24hrs right? say if you only have $10,000 in savings now, do you think you'll be satisfied that your parents only receive $10,000 of your money if you say, pass away? Or would you rather that they receive $50,000 because you're insured? Isn't that more substantial? How would you feel if you were never able to repay your parents for them raising you? say if you're disabled, isn't it worst? wouldn't your parents have to continue to care for you for a longer period? wouldn't their savings be diminished as well? how would you feel about that? bad right? but if you're insured, all can change" she explained.

~

For the lot of you that know me, you should already how her "sharing" has hit me. Really badly.

I felt really uncomfortable throughout. My fists were clenched and tears were fighting to escape my eyes - I never thought I would feel this way. Furthermore, I couldn't bear to tell her that my Dad is no longer *still* paying for my expenses and keeping my insurance up to date nor keeping checks on my savings.

~

While the agent has started to fill up an application form, I looked right her eyes eyes and said firmly, "Okay I think I understand everything you said, but I do not think that your package is for me. Perhaps years down the road, but just not at this moment. I appreciate you for sharing with me the benefits of all this, but then again, since this is the first time you're sharing with me, I have to take time to consider whether it is indeed beneficial for me. I understand it is important to start early, but it would be inappropriate for me to simply sign on with you right now especially when i'm not thoroughly informed of all the terms and conditions. So thank you very much (I shook her hand), I would think about it. And perhaps you can leave me your namecard and i'll get back to you when im interested."

I left in utmost hurry. And I threw the namecard away on my way out.

F*** you insurance people.

~~~

I miss my father. Alot.

I thought that since it has already been some time, things like that shouldn't affect me that badly. But it did

That day memories flooded my mind.

"Yu Sheng, when I get well, lets go to Thailand together okay? hahaha. Papa will bring you to some places you always wanted to go. And while we're there we can go buy all the mangos back for your mom and sis and check out the beach!"

"Yu Sheng, when I can get off this bed, lets go watch a movie."

"I can't anymore... I'm sorry... Please take care of yourself okay? take care of the family..."

That night I cried.

~~~

I realised that there are certain "keywords" that when mentioned in close proximity to me, would affect me tremendously. They are, "father", "gratitude", "regret", "marriage", "girlfriend", "love", "death", and others I can't think of at this moment.

Dear all who knows me. If you ever see me not correcting a person whos mentioning my dad, please emphatize with me. Its not that i do not want to inform. Its because I can't. not yet.

~~~

I have lost too much this year. No more.

Please...

No more

Memories

2008-10-01T01:07:00.002+08:00

Miss:
to regret that a person or thing is not present

Yearn:
to desire very strongly, especially something that you cannot have or something that is very difficult to have

Desire:
to want something, especially strongly

~~~

Why is it so difficult for one to forget? With all efforts placed into erasing the mind, with all the time spent to blunt rough edges, with all energy spent on shutting synapses down, I am thoroughly exhuasted facing this daunting task of forgetting.

you appear as visuals that appear constantly in my thoughts... haunting me.. reminding me of times that were - times that I may desire but in fact, difficult to fathom in its intentions.

To love is to give a part of yourself and to infuse it to the thing you love. Once given, the task of recovering the part is near impossible. That infusion forms a memory.

I am not shamful to say that I failed disastrously in manipulating my memories. For all of me is infused into the object I once loved and always will love. Kept in its care, away from my reach.

I miss you. Very very much. So much that it becomes my yearning. That it became my desire.

~~~

Time. A marvelous phenomenal mode of measurement. It measures neither space nor object. But the duration of existence.

With the passing of existence, wounds heal, crying ceases, and the hurts go away.

Then all thats left is pure love.

Love frozen in existence

*My love for you*

Retraction

2008-10-01T00:48:00.005+08:00

In regards to my previous post dated the 28th Sept 2008, I am thus posting this retraction to forfeit my arguments towards New Creation Church for their endeavours to build a bigger, better, more accessible, more attractive and more comfortable church for all christains.

Indeed, many perspectives arise especially when money becomes the issue. Though interpreted in many forms, trust in the lord and his calling for the said facility to be built should be held in the highest priority.

Though I may not approve of the huge money spent, I do agree that this new facility would be able to attract more people to the calling of God; which is a really good thing - and I sincerely hope that it fulfills its purpose.

Lets all keep faith, hope and love.

*A very special thank you to Dorcas Chew, my really good friend, who enlightened me and adjusted my lines of perspectives on this issue =)

Harbinger of God

2008-09-28T03:36:00.005+08:00

I love my Job. On Friday, the 26th of Sept, I worked from 5.30am to 8.00pm. Started my morning by bringing Media/TV crews to the Hotel's suites to do their live telecast (my hotel overlooks the Singapore Grand Prix F1 track). Ended at night on the open-air rooftop of my hotel, with the again the media crew, accompanying the crew while they are doing the broadcast of the practice session.

The sight was incredible. The cars were incredible. The F1's produced the sweetest engine sounds I ever heard. I pledge to be an F1 driver someday. It is so beyond cool.

To think that hours before, I had no interest in F1. All I thought was that they were fast cars moving at 300++km/h on straight roads and 90++km/h at turns. Thing is, F1 is one of those stuff where you HAVE TO view it *live*. You'll never get interested in it by watching TV. You *have to* be there. You have to hear and see it for yourself. And amazingly, you'll get psyched up. Its the most exciting sport you'll ever see in this world. Currently, three F1 teams are staying in the hotel I work at. Imagine that. I have passes for free. And I got to go up close for free. Imagine that. Thank God for this school industrial attachment. I love every bit of being an employee in the marketing communications department, in a 5 star hotel.

~~~

Ever since I started driving, I felt that the driver's seat was where I belonged. My instructor said I was a natural. And I breezed through all my tests. Cruising along the streets now at averages of 130km/h, I feel free. Never have I felt so free, so safe, so happy. I will be a racer someday. Even if that racing opportunity is just once in a lifetime, I'll *definitely* take it on (professionally of course).

Even if I am not a racer, which I probably wouldn't be, it wouldn't matter. For I was seriously thinking of having a part-time career to drive ambulances. I just want to help others. With whatever skill I possess.

~~~

Lets talk about charitable organizations. Long have I shook my head at their ambiguity, in-transparancies, and dishonesty. To think that a just while ago where Singapore's Kidney Foundation raised funds for purposes other than helping patients, things *have not* changed.

"Not changed?"

People will ask that. Yes, some *have* changed due to new government laws. But these laws still do not apply for religious organizations. But come to think of it. Being a social enterprise, do you *even need* to be reminded that you shouldn't greed? How embarrassingly shameful.

For those that 'didn't change', lets look at a church for instance, New Creation Church. They raised millions of dollars of funds. Amalgamated nearly 1 Billion Singapore Dollars in total to build a what? A shopping mall. Lets all laugh together. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

Funny ain't it? I don't think so. Doesn't *ANYBODY* see *ANYTHING* wrong with it? I do.

Christains, do you see no sin when your pastors are driving nice cars, wearing branded clothings, living in huge houses, and putting emphasis on "offerings" each time you're at church? Who or what do you think are paying for the cars and houses of the pastors? Your donations no doubt. Where else do they get their income from? How much is actually used to help others? Do they ever tell you clearly? Correct me if im wrong please.

"We need a bigger auditorium. The new one would provide 5000 seats. Our previous location only had 2000 seats. And we hold 4 services a day and its simply not adequate."

I've been to their service. 2000 seats were NOT filled up. barely 3/5 was filled up. Its not that they have no space. And the reason for 4 services was simply to suit the different timing needs of different individuals. So why the new auditorium?

One billion dollars is alot of money. With all the events happening around the world seeking attention like the recent catastrophes in China and Myanmar, as well as the continuous needs of Homes and Orphanages locally or not, and the growing needs for food and water in countries suffering from war or famine. One billion dollars. Would you use it for a shopping mall and big auditorium for more comfort and accessibility? Or would you use it to help those that need the money?

Christains please wake up.

God choose all of you for a purpose. And to let this happen, its not your purpose. Pastors are afterall humans. Hence they sin like all of us and are flawed. Somewhere in the bible, there was mention that in the time of Jesus, there were many religious leaders who boasted their righteousness and authenticity. But when Jesus appeared before them, they shouted, "Crucify Him". So do you think your pastors or even ourselves are really worthy of recognizing God? Or are we all just frauds? Do you think history will just repeat itself? Where Jesus returns and our leaders don't recognize him? You think about that.

~~~

I'll never let this go on. With my mission from the heavens clear as day to me, I will make a difference. If nobody is going to do anything, I will. Watch me bring fourth a new era.

Godsend

2008-09-25T01:02:00.004+08:00

Dreams are built upon reality, and Reality is concieved from dreams.

How do you define a dream as a dream? How are you so sure that everyday, when you wake up *from* a dream, you are returning to reality? What if everytime you wake up, you are actually entering a dream? What defines a dream? Could it be that everytime you sleep, the world where your dream takes place is the real world.. and you are only waking up to a dream?

Its not impossible. Not for me

Surprisingly, this is a new controversal area of studies that scientists and doctors alike are experimenting with.

Inexplicably for me, the fine line that differentiates between my dreams and my reality is vanishing. I constantly fall into my dreams that I cannot wake up from. My dreams have became my second life. So real, so lucid. I can sleep for 20hours straight. Not moving. Not gasping. Not even worried if my dream were just dreams. For in my dreams I had a life. I could swim in the deepest oceans.. and soar over the brightest stars. I was happy. I was safe. I was loved. In my dreams I was someone I know. I was me.

Though I find this equally worrisome... as I constantly have the feeling that I won't wake up anymore.

~~~

Stranger still, yesterday when I was out with my good pal to buy Hari Raya Goodies, I came across this store selling good luck charms. They were really neat. Hand-made pendants/necklaces. When the store owner approached me, I said I was "just looking around".

He said, "but you're so young and you're gonna die. You sure you don't need any luck?!"

Im pretty sure he said the "gonna die" part. Thats oddly strange aint it? For all the marketing and sales gimmicks that ANYONE can use to push a sale, he said *that*. why? effing made me think.

I replied, "I think I have enough luck thanks"

hmmm...

~~~

Truth is,

Ever since my loss, I used sleep as my escape. It was either sleep or suicide at that point of time.

Sleeping really does help =)

Amazing things

2008-09-24T04:56:00.000+08:00

How amazing it is to know that you're invisible. that no one can see you when you board the train to work, that no one can see you when you walk through the door, that no one can see you when you're waving vigourously to them - wanting them to notice you.

Thats me. I'm invisible.

An amazing magic that people try to accomplish since the start of the human race. And I mastered the art.

With this skill, I shall try to move mountains in the lives of people. To change lives for the better. all under the safety cloak of invisibility. Only I myself and God would know what I did.

~~~

How amazing it is, to know that you're so close to something; close to something good, but it was in fact nothing at all. Traps, tunnels, round-a-bouts and distractions.

Disillusioned is what they call it. Thats me. I'm disillusioned.

Still imagining that someone cares. Still imagining that someone shares the same sentiments. Still imagining that I'm alive.

With this skill, I shall craft dreams of great magnitudes. And move towards them. Taking the said illusions as opportunities.. and move blindly in the fog to acheive what I believe are good. That I call it, is being disillusioned with a goal.

~~~

How amazing it is to believe that you still have a chance. That you *may* still have life sparked in the broken soul. That someone may see you. That someone will tell you that you're not disillusioned. That someone cares. This is called pretending.

Thats me. I'm pretending.

Pretence is not necessarily a good thing. But well, it has led me thus far since my ordeal. so no harm utilizing it some more right?

With this skill, I shall pretend to be fine. To smile to joke to laugh to care as my former counterpart would. It helps me to be socially accepted. Its the NORM. so they say. Most importantly, it helps me to put a smile on another's face. That, is the essential of pretence.

~~~

How amazing it is, for me to experience all the happiness I had ever felt. A window opened to my past. A miracle downed on me of a lifetime - to experience Joy fit for the Gods. All inculculated in merely 4 hours.

Thats me. Invisible, disillusioned and in pretence.

Happiness is merely a noun. Its the meaning of that particular feeling that counts. In the face of happiness, I stood invisible to realism. In the face of happiness, I was disillusioned beyond my limits of procrastination. In the face of happiness, I pretended that it was real, that it would last forever.

~
I can't feel happiness nor retain it for myself. But I can give a steady unlimited supply of it

I can't live. But I can pretend to live so that I can help others to live longer

I can't be seen. But I can help others to shine.

I can't trust. But I can help others to believe in themselves.
~

I just want to help others

Will I ever recover? No.

Does this post make sense? Hardly.
But I couldn't care less.

Niceties must be observed

2008-09-22T22:55:00.001+08:00

So here I am, Tay Ee Sheng. Just like any guy, I make my way through the path called life.

Born on the 14th of july in a storm, I came to be a person of extremely sensitive natures. I lived my life with a single purpose - to build houses for the poor and home the homeless, and to love, unconditionally, the only woman of my life, Allie. A very simple equation indeed.

Was notoriously naughty when I was a toddler, extremely quiet when I was in primary school, outstandingly walking above others in secondary school, and subdued when in my polytechnic years.

My life flashed by in an instant.

I am average in my studies, good at badminton, great at playing the eletronic organ, better at singing, very good in my general knowledge, awesome at making things up, and superb at being impromptu. But the best thing that I am capable of, is to love. Funny ain't it?

Year 2008 - disaster struck

Event after event of misfortunes came my way; waves and waves of everything bad hurdled towards me and i was smashed.. - I lost my dad.

And losing my dad was only the start of more pain to come. Relatives, family, inheritence, friends, lover. Hm...

Picking up pieces this time was near impossible. Never had it happen to me at such a magnitude.. Its like trying to piece together an infinite piece jigsaw puzzle..

My 19th Birthday (14th July 2008)

Tay Ee Sheng died... soul smashed to smitterins... never to be recovered. mind torn. heart ripped..

What happened on this day is not important for it already *has* happened. I lost everything on this day. And on this day I walked in hell.. and part of me was lost there.

Who am i? I'm Ee Sheng.. still just Ee Sheng. Just flesh and bones. trudging on to accomplish my initial goal - to build houses for the poor and home the homeless, and to love, unconditionally, the only woman of my life, Allie. Yeah... its still a very simple equation.

To explain what this "equation" is, is really very simple. This equation holds the key to my destiny written by the one true Creator of everything - i just have to work on it.. to find the answer.

Today

nothing much has changed since 2 months ago.. surprisingly

Well, pretty neat summary of my life so far ain't it?

till then.

First time here

2008-09-22T06:20:00.001+08:00

My gosh.

This is the FIRST time im having a blog. much less posting on it. Having no idea what made me make this move, its a step already taken. so i guess y'all will be reading more from me. If you can even find this blog.. or if i even remember to post...

I guess its time to take my invisibility cloak off and finally speak my mind on an international platform.

till then.